Birthday

So this weekend was my 22nd birthday. I just have to say my birthday was on the 22nd of January, I turned 22 and today is also my 6 month anniversary to my amazing girlFRIEND Zaraya. I partied my birthday in and drinked my birthday out. I spent the day with Zaraya and I must say we had alot of fun. I hope next year would be special just the same. I hope turning 22 brings more different new experiences and more maturity. I loved being 21 so I hope 22 puts the icing on the cake. I've been sick for a week so i was also nursing a cold on my birthday. It didn't stop me from having fun weekend though. 

Breakfast

I always heard I looked like my mom
But when I look at her I don't see it
I always heard I wasn't "that" skinny
But when I look in the mirror it tells me differently
I hate drinking liquor
But I can guzzle a bottle of beer in seconds
I heard life is what you make it
And trust Ive I been making it harder than It needs be
Trust, honesty and love
I've said those three words in the same sentence about a 1000 times
....... I meant it
Who is fucking spinning the world ?
And this cough of mines is the death of me
I want to yell but I'm tall and I don't expect the short people to hear me
They say sound travels...
My voice seems to stay floating around me
Leave me
Let them hear you shout
I'm wrapped in a candy bar and I'm trying to break free
And the candy hungry child is constantly licking my exterior
Trying to get what's inside
Your don't want something that's bitter sweet
You don't want bitter me

2011

I would say, "New year, new me" but that would be a lie. Just because the '10 turned to '11 doesn't mean a light is going to shine down from heaven and totally transform me into someone else. That's why I've refrained from making new years resolutions because looking back at my past new years resolutions they've all been a fail. I feel like within myself change happens with a impact. Something has to strike me to open up that need for change. For example, maybe a problem in my relationship etc. I feel like this year has started on a high note...but the fat lady continues to sing high, then low, then high, then low. And everyone is walking out the concert of my life because my emotions is affecting the choir and the orchestra is stressing on the smaller things. I feel like I have everything resting right on my heart, and if one block is removed everything comes crashing down...everything that I took so long to build. I don't know what's going to change in my life in this new year...or what I even want to accomplish this year. But with days comes new experiences, and new insights of life. I am ready for 2011 to be over with truthfully. Cheers for the new year...2012 I mean.

Thursday morning....

Faces pass, faces pass, faces pass

places pass, places pass, places pass,

life go, life go

down, down underground

no service

darkness

the train rock my insides

and i'm staring up, up and away

im avoiding eye contact,

look at finger, look at feet , look at signs,

faces pass, faces pass, faces pass

looking, searching

morning time

memories of last night

where i was , what i did,

who to run too, I am lost

places pass, places pass, places pass

im caught up in my music

and the train conductor voice booms from the heavens

as he close the doors

move away from the doors

I can hear the rails beneath me

and the loud banging of metal

reminds me of slaves

singing in harmony

im at my stop

doors open

i get up and avoid eyes

I walk out

forgetting where I was

remembering where I am now.

HOME

Vent

I am not smart
I don't care about books and classes
Looking at white boards
And white old faces
Teaching me shit I don't need to know
I don't use fucking big words
And read books with...chapters
I rather picture books
Like magazines
Shit I'll read a coupon book
I don't talk about college things
N stress about expensive classes
In a big stupid campus
That feels so fucking empty
I'm not what I'm suppose to be
I'm a not a major or a damn minor
I'm fucking me
I don't talk about shit I barely could spell
Or talk about shot I could could give two fucks about
I'm dumb me
And all I know is what I need to know
So my conversations are limited
N my days are shorter
Ny bed is my classes
My tv is my professor
I'm not a fucking student
I'm Britney
Let's fucking talk about that
I'm a fucking entertainer
I get a grade A on my own test
Im tired
This semester is fucking over

Want that Old thing back...that old thing dead and gone

Sometimes insecurities comes from completely loving someone and just simply being afraid to lose them to someone else. Someone else from their past or future. I know life is short and I want her to live. I want her to breathe without my insecurities breathing down her neck....following her every move. But with security I want honesty. I want to have that "no need to worry" feeling. That i'm the fucking best feeling. Maybe my insecurities towards her are maybe insecurities within myself. I don't feel like i'm her type...compared to people she point out that's so hot to her...or looking back at people in her past. In the end I can only be the best me. The best me for her...for us...for this relationship...that we are slowly trying to push above ground so we can live above earth again.