Pads after Pads

I am sitting here...with something in my pants I wish to not speak of. Something that for four days restrains me from fully living. I hate it. I hate Eve for biting into that stupid apple...and throwing this....this...evilness between my vagina and I. When it comes I curl into bed...and cry as it beats my body to a pulp as I feel my insides crumbling within me. I open the windows because I feel hot....then I close it because I feel cold..and this bed I once loved is now very uncomfortable and this room is beginning to suffocate me. Whyyyyyy were all women infested with this "disease." Why couldn't the doctor ask us as babies as we exploded out our mothers worn out vaginas if we wanted to be plagued with this...infestation. "Excuse me little feminine baby...would you like to bleed monthy?...cry once for yes or twice for no." ughhhh the journey continues...I'm going to bed now.

My Very Queer Valentine

So before I start this post, let me say WOW. I have never been excited for Valentines Day the way I was this year.  In my previous relationships February 14th have always just been a day. Another day...of red...of young couples...wearing red... walking around with big teddy bears...cheap roses...kiss me, kiss me...SHUT UP. This year...was completely different. It was my girlfriend and I first Valentines Day and I earlier realized it was one of her favorite occasions. Which made me excited and determined to see that amazing smile slapped across her face the same way as the first day I ever saw her. I bought her a ring with our initials on it and wrote her a song. So I had the material and the sentimental. As I waited for 12:00 AM I decorated her room thinking about her smile....her amazing smile. We spent the night laughing, drinking wine and tasting chocolate....sitting on her purple rug on the floor we looked at the rings we got for each other...and I couldn't believe how amazing this day I never cared for was going. After the night ended ...I looked at her ..and thought about her amazing smile. The amazing smile of the past, the present, and the amazing smile I would love to see in the future.

I am Me (Short Poem)

I am tall skinny me

Some say i'm light skin

but chocolate is me

I am Me

What I fight to be

To Be

to be

To be

This is It...

Today I feel accomplished. I went to my first day of training and met my very strange co-workers. As long as I continue to get payed by the hour...I'll have to bare with the awkward silence and be happy with the sound of the oven constantly clicking behind me and the african man selling DVD's outside. "Three FAH five, four FAH ten, ten FAH twenTAY" His accent is hallarious, me quoting what he was saying for the two hours I was there...do not do it justice. On break I went to this really upper class jewelry store...planning to browse...but SAW IT...it was perfect and I hope she loves it. I walked out feeling like a million bucks ...I was this close too skipping down the streets of harlem. The time need to go faster. Sunday can't come fast enough. I need to see this short, well shaped, beautiful, exotic creature that is currently nesting in Pennsylavania.

                                                                                   .....I can't wait to spread her feathers.

For Zaraya...

I hope you know you are the soft piece of marshmellow in my vanilla ice cream that I am searching for in this bowl. You are complicated I admit...but you teach me things that I never thought about before. I remember thinking that feminism/feminist were a bunch of women running down the streets with pitch forks calling out the men to DIE. (lol) But you taught me that it was about equality. Theres nothing wrong with pointing out the inequality that goes on between women and men on a daily basis. I learned that the core of truly being happy starts with ones self. Even though sometimes we can't stand each other, holding you at night makes the arguments disappear. And I know that every moment I see your smile and honest eyes every disappointment of my day fades away. I truly one hundred percent love her...even though without her the days are longer and the hour and a half that separates us from each feels like a million miles away..when I see her on skype or hear her voice nothing else matters. And when I visit her at school a dog can snatch my phone away because I don't have time for anyone else but her. She is the marshmellows in my ice cream and I do not want them to melt away.

The Day Ahead...

I am so not looking forward for tomorrow...it's going to be a long, long , long day. I start my new job...and I also have a interview for a second job. I am trying to make my days ahead as busy as possible. It's impossible to sleep at night because It seems I think about everything at night. I think about my mom...and how I wish things was different. I think about my un-official girlfriend and the fact that I feel like i'm slowly losing her. I think about Phylicia Barnes...17 years old from North Carolina that has been missing from Baltimore (visiting her sister) since December 28th. I think about where she may be and how her mother is probably having a lot of sleepless nights not knowing where your child may be. If she's alive or dead...being tortured..being hurt...Her story feels so close to home because I seriously feel like I know her. All these random crazy thoughts come to me at night...and continue to linger with me during the day. I just want to sleep...and wake up and feel like i'm the only one on her mind. Or wake up and every lump in my mother's body disappear. Or wake up and Phylicia Barnes has been found alive cuddling next to her mother in bed. The day ahead....hold great expectations.

...

Record Studio

Today I went to my friend's sister recording studio and it was amazing. She let me hear the beat she wants me to write the song for. It was amazing...like seeing her full fill her dreams. The thousand of dollars of equipment she bought on her own...it was inspiring. And as I sat on the high leather chair...I couldn't help but feel like Kanye West putting this masterpiece together. The room was filled with creative GAYS. I felt at home...as our rainbow minds evolved a simple beat into something beautiful. I definitely can see myself making money doing this in the future. :)

I'm Kinda Weird...

..... but i'm still super cool 

She is too...

...with the help of cool me

Theeeee End 

Confizzled Spotlight

Today I opened up my brain and let people that I never met in it. And they accepted my crazy, dysfunctional brain for what it was. They smiled and clapped for what came out of me...and accepted my dark words for what they were. They listened to something I never share...not for crowds...not for people...not just because I want too...not for any random person thats reading this. And I spoke and my voice BOOMED  and I saw their ears slowly face my sound and they smiled. I kept looking at the light ...give me words ... just print out a beautiful memoir and place it in my mind so I can read a sonnet...a renaissance... it was amazing.

My Iphone 4

So for the people that know me... knows that I switch phones more than I should be. From ever since 2008 where I broke away from my mother's phone plane and got on my own phone plan I've been switching phones constantly. Recently I transferred from T-mobile to At&t to be on a plan with my girlfriend. The first phone I got on the plan was the blackberry torch. I remember getting the blackberry pearl in 2008 and ever since then I was in love with blackberrys and owned every blackberry that came out since. So I was pretty excited on getting the new blackberry torch. My excitement fell short though :( I realized no matter what blackberry I owned they all did the same thing. So I had to move on from the blackberry torch to Iphone 4....and I'm in love. From the amazing FREE games I downloaded to the useful apps that I barely use...I love it. I haven't use facetime that much though but it's a pretty cool feature. Plus the fact that you can video chat on skype from anywhere...is aMAYYYY-zing! Anyhow I don't think i'll be switching phones for awhile though.

P.S. - My girlfriend bought me something so totally cool for my computer that i'll be blogging about in a few weeks.  :) Thank you baby.

Emergencia!...Emergencia!

So today was very interesting. It was my second time in the emergency room since I've been sick for the month. My mom called me and was very worried about me coughing so much and suggested (well force) me to go to the emergency room. I'm my mom's only baby so I'm use to her over reacting about my well being. So I walked one mile to the emergency room in the cold because i'm in the middle of bubble f#%k land. When I got there I was nervous. I don't know why but I was kind of scared. It seemed that all the people in front of me were calling their relatives to alert them that they had to stay overnight. I've never stayed over night at the hospital so that added to my already shaky nerves. Anyhow the visit was quick and short. The doctor did a test for strep throat but I was NEGATIVE for it so I was pretty happy. The "special doctors" advice was to gargle with salt and take advil. But all I left with was a really cool wrist band, and one HUGE bill. 

Not Anything Important

So I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed in her dorm room and I pull out my computer excited to write something on my blogspot. Then as I click on "new post" my mind goes blank. I don't know what to write about so I write this. I'm watching lifetime at the moment so I am unable to think of anything but this man killing his wife in this movie. You know how these crazy lifetime movies go. The psycho husband, the evil step daughter, the son that beats his mother...geez the crazy over the top things you see in these movies. Okay so it's getting to the good part......I hate missing the beginning of the movie...I am totally clueless to what is going on, but the obvious. I wish in life it worked this way. No beginning, just a middle and ending. So you are unable to judge anything from the pass and live life by what you see "in the now"I think we should all live life in the present. I guess missing the beginning of this lifetime movie kind off sorta' taught me something. lol Can you believe that? 

My Drunk Post

I'm lying i'm not drunk. I'm on my girlfriends campus in her room on my second cup of wine. I do not drink. Seriously, I hate liquor. The taste, the burn going down my throat...the smell. So i've downgraded to light wines and of course beer. I'm a light drinker so I still get buzzed. I remember my first hang over in my cousins bedroom. Teenagers bored thinking about our parents rum stashed in the unlocked cupboard in the kitchen. Took one drink and we all ran upstairs laughing, yucking at the disgusting taste it left in our throat. Laying on the bed talking about our partners at that time and gossiping about people we disliked. Realizing we were still able to focus....we ran down stairs to the unlocked cupboard drinking another glass of the disgusting black rum...and like the dummy I was, my cousin dared me to take down a extra glass....GULP. The cup was empty, we ran back upstairs to the spinning room. Unable to focus...we were all in our own world..having conversations with ourselves. The night went fast...I woke up in a sea of my own...inside fluids. I promised my self i would never drink again the next day. We all promised. We all lied.