Attack of the Toilet

So today I let loose...
I emptied my trunk and the cup runneth over...
What do you do when the water is coming so close to the edge
Do you stand and watch?
or do you pretend that this is not happening right now...
So I played Misses Plumber all night
The toilet hates me...
It attacked and attacked...
hitting with fatal strikes that caused me to abort the mission
This wasn't made for me
I need something more.....heavy duty
It's out of order now
I guess it won this battle.......for now

Yes I'm GAY...

                                            .........SO WHAT!!!

Sometimes you just want that one support system..

All I want is respect for who I am.

I don't need permission for who I love.

Or judgement

or stones thrown against my already weak body

I'm fighting and the battle is...hard

But it's not over

I'm determined to win

and to rejoice

I have no white flag

I have a rainbow one though

which I wear proudly.

And it's wet with spit 

but I still wave it HIGH

and if you don't understand me

I know millions who will...

and I will not run and hide

this gay self

this gay me

is loud and proud

and dare to dream

about life 

and I live

and I hurt and I cry

but I rise

whens words are thrown

and I dodge the bullets as they slam against the wall beside me

I write my name above the holes with my gay hands

My name is Britney

and I am what I am

and you are who you are

LAUNDROMAT HORROR!!

So I live in a new area now. It's time to wash these clothes. I'm walking to the Clean Rite laundromat down the block. (Thinking: Well all i'll need is 3 dollars because thats all I used to do laundry at my old laundromat.....so YES i'll have money to pig out on some chinese food later on. )
Walk into Laundromat...hmmmm it's pretty big...billions of machines...and hey not a lot of people is here so YAYYYY.
Walk over to machine....WAIT...the machine doesn't take quarters..it's one of those fancy 2011 machines...it uses card. OK, so i'm going to put my 3 dollars on card.
..........Reading sign over machine.....WAIT FIVE DOLLARS....I HAVE TO PUT 5 DOLLARS ON THE DAMN CARD!!!!! (breathe, breathe, breathe, WOOSAAA WOOOSAAA)
I put 5 dollars on the card...okay i'm over it...
Damn! $2.25 for the damn small machine!!! I payed $1.50 at my old one.. (breathe, breathe, breathe)
I get over it.
I'm putting my clothes in the machine.....close door...put my card in slot.

75 CENTS REMAINING

WHATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just put $5 dollars on this card.....maybe the machine made a mistake....walk over to girl.

Me: Hey I just put money on this card... and the machine is $2.25 so I should have...(thinks) $2.75 left but it says I have 75 cents left.
Girl: (points at sign)

                            $2.00 for card

$2.00 would be refunded if card is returned.

                               Looks around for cameras because I really was about too....

but WOOSAAAAA

WOOOOOOSAAAAAAA

Clothes finish

DING!

Walk over to dryer.....

35 CENTS

.........FOR 8 MINUTES?????

Never would I ever!

AND YOU KNOW I RETURNED THAT DAMN CARD

$2.00 BACK IN POCKETS

Chinese or Pizza???

I DONT WANT TO BE A ADULT!!!

I'm sorry I haven't updated for awhile. I've just been busy being something I wish I was never diseased with....being a damn adult. I recently turned 22 and i've been battling moving out of my parents house..well I DID!!! and it sucks...not too much...just the "getting my own stuff" part. Like now when I walk into stores I think about pot, pans, toilet paper, paper towels etc... Who would of ever think of me the electronic loving nerd to think about these things I barely use on a daily basis.

My mom and I recently visited Bed, Bath and Beyond and I was all googled eyed over this zebra print shower curtain and these zebra printed hand towels. I don't know what's going on with me.....i'm slowly walking over to the other side......WOMANHOOD *screams*

I really hope you guys don't see me staring at washers and dryers soon....

HELP 

Homo-phobia among homos

STUD ON STUD?



                                   "EW, that's gay"- Stud
                                   "That's nasty"- Fem
Are you serious?

After all the sh%t the gay community has to go through already with today's closed minded society....do we have to do it to ourselves?

Can everyone just live and choose who they want to be with.....can everyone refrain from judging everyone else's actions?

Lets live in peace.

Let me choose ...

you choose....

But please let us not do it too ourselves.

I am WOMAN who love WOMAN

We are ...

...the same

Stud, fem, AG, Ag fem, gay, bisexual, transexual,lesbian, homo, Lesbian...

The million things we call ourselves

Our fight is the same

We all just want to Love

Whoever we choose.

THEE END

#WhitepeopleStink

So this blog is basically me venting about this trending topic that has made it on twitter #whitepeoplestink

This morning I'm browsing through my timeline and I kept seeing my black followers laugh and joke about it. I'm sorry to be a party stopper but I found it very problematic. So I posted on my twitter...

"I can't believe #whitepeoplestink is a trending topic

but if #blackpeoplestink was a trending topic...call 

Al Sharpton."

Some random follower responded with,

"Considering the crappy stereotypical TT's that end up on twitter all the time,

"blackpeoplestink is mild for example

 (#itaintrape, #hoodhoe, #thingsblackgirldo, #uncletomreporter)"

So what she's telling me is because of all the stereotypical trending topics aimed towards black people what's so wrong with lashing back against white people with #whitepeoplestink????????

ASSUMING that "white" people even started those trending topics makes a ASS out of YOU and ME.

When on my very own timeline my followers were laughing and joking about #thingsblackgirlsdo, #itaintrape and #hoodhoe.

Trendistic, which ranks Twitter trends, marked the most popular trend one day as #hoodhoes (and its similar tag, #hoodhoe). For 16 hours, users tweeted their definitions of a "hood hoe":

"If you only get paid when yo baby daddy get paid #hoodhoe"
"I like #hoodhoe they get a discount on they rent and they always got food in the fridge foodstamps lol"
"#hoodhoe emergency kit= leggings, track glue, cab phone number, ebt card, rush visa card, boost mobile phone and pre paid legal"

 The fact that #hoodhoes was a hot talking point for 16 hours lets us know that people are co-signing and spreading the message, especially BLACK YOUTH.

All it takes to start up a trending topic is a famous person with a lot of followers. When Lil Duval  (BLACK comedian) started #itaintrape. He was able to spread his misogynistic statements and allow others to get in on the action. Let me remind you he has over a million followers...80 percent of his followers are young, black teenagers.

"#itaintrape if you pay for it first …
"#itaintrape if I fly u in"
"#itaintrape if I bout you popcorn and a drink … then u Didnt eat it"

The violent tweets inspired by Lil Duval were condemned by the masses, but there were more than enough people who helped spread his ignorance and create a "black Twitter" for the day.

So you tell me whose building these stereotypes on twitter...

The same person sitting on their computer and phone tweeting and re-tweeting the ignorance made by themselves or by someone else.

But I refuse to support ignorance by joining in #whitepeoplestink, by me joining in that rant I'm giving someone permission to come back at me ...at my race.

Remember in the playground you go back and forth with your school mate calling each other names?

Why are we playing that game on a social networking site with our race, shit...with our oppressors.

Don't you see who these "racist" trending topics mostly target though...whose the laughing stock of twitter?

BLACK FEMALES

On Martin Luther King Jr. Day, top trending topics included #mlk, #mlkday and #ihaveadream. At least for one day positivity and not ignorance was spread on twitter.

CAN WE GROW UP?

Tweet smart ...don't be LITERALLY a follower.

Response to Your Complaining

Love the blog and thank you for the warning lol
Of course you would pick the food because you are BIG.
STAY ON TRACK with your school work. STAY ON TOP of everything you have to do.
Remember you are not the only one stressing with a trillion billion  things to do in school. It's all part of being in school...so look at it as a great jumbled, school work filled, stressed, college experience of late nights..studying...cold cappuccinos...legs crossed on your rug..pen in mouth..."gotta" write .."gotta" pass..."gotta" stay up..."gotta" learn.
And about your computer...

(no comment)

lol 

(Response to a post on my amazing girlfriend's blog (www.genuinelyzaraya.blogspot.com) 

CHECK IT OUT

I love you

Pads after Pads

I am sitting here...with something in my pants I wish to not speak of. Something that for four days restrains me from fully living. I hate it. I hate Eve for biting into that stupid apple...and throwing this....this...evilness between my vagina and I. When it comes I curl into bed...and cry as it beats my body to a pulp as I feel my insides crumbling within me. I open the windows because I feel hot....then I close it because I feel cold..and this bed I once loved is now very uncomfortable and this room is beginning to suffocate me. Whyyyyyy were all women infested with this "disease." Why couldn't the doctor ask us as babies as we exploded out our mothers worn out vaginas if we wanted to be plagued with this...infestation. "Excuse me little feminine baby...would you like to bleed monthy?...cry once for yes or twice for no." ughhhh the journey continues...I'm going to bed now.

My Very Queer Valentine

So before I start this post, let me say WOW. I have never been excited for Valentines Day the way I was this year.  In my previous relationships February 14th have always just been a day. Another day...of red...of young couples...wearing red... walking around with big teddy bears...cheap roses...kiss me, kiss me...SHUT UP. This year...was completely different. It was my girlfriend and I first Valentines Day and I earlier realized it was one of her favorite occasions. Which made me excited and determined to see that amazing smile slapped across her face the same way as the first day I ever saw her. I bought her a ring with our initials on it and wrote her a song. So I had the material and the sentimental. As I waited for 12:00 AM I decorated her room thinking about her smile....her amazing smile. We spent the night laughing, drinking wine and tasting chocolate....sitting on her purple rug on the floor we looked at the rings we got for each other...and I couldn't believe how amazing this day I never cared for was going. After the night ended ...I looked at her ..and thought about her amazing smile. The amazing smile of the past, the present, and the amazing smile I would love to see in the future.

I am Me (Short Poem)

I am tall skinny me

Some say i'm light skin

but chocolate is me

I am Me

What I fight to be

To Be

to be

To be

This is It...

Today I feel accomplished. I went to my first day of training and met my very strange co-workers. As long as I continue to get payed by the hour...I'll have to bare with the awkward silence and be happy with the sound of the oven constantly clicking behind me and the african man selling DVD's outside. "Three FAH five, four FAH ten, ten FAH twenTAY" His accent is hallarious, me quoting what he was saying for the two hours I was there...do not do it justice. On break I went to this really upper class jewelry store...planning to browse...but SAW IT...it was perfect and I hope she loves it. I walked out feeling like a million bucks ...I was this close too skipping down the streets of harlem. The time need to go faster. Sunday can't come fast enough. I need to see this short, well shaped, beautiful, exotic creature that is currently nesting in Pennsylavania.

                                                                                   .....I can't wait to spread her feathers.

For Zaraya...

I hope you know you are the soft piece of marshmellow in my vanilla ice cream that I am searching for in this bowl. You are complicated I admit...but you teach me things that I never thought about before. I remember thinking that feminism/feminist were a bunch of women running down the streets with pitch forks calling out the men to DIE. (lol) But you taught me that it was about equality. Theres nothing wrong with pointing out the inequality that goes on between women and men on a daily basis. I learned that the core of truly being happy starts with ones self. Even though sometimes we can't stand each other, holding you at night makes the arguments disappear. And I know that every moment I see your smile and honest eyes every disappointment of my day fades away. I truly one hundred percent love her...even though without her the days are longer and the hour and a half that separates us from each feels like a million miles away..when I see her on skype or hear her voice nothing else matters. And when I visit her at school a dog can snatch my phone away because I don't have time for anyone else but her. She is the marshmellows in my ice cream and I do not want them to melt away.

The Day Ahead...

I am so not looking forward for tomorrow...it's going to be a long, long , long day. I start my new job...and I also have a interview for a second job. I am trying to make my days ahead as busy as possible. It's impossible to sleep at night because It seems I think about everything at night. I think about my mom...and how I wish things was different. I think about my un-official girlfriend and the fact that I feel like i'm slowly losing her. I think about Phylicia Barnes...17 years old from North Carolina that has been missing from Baltimore (visiting her sister) since December 28th. I think about where she may be and how her mother is probably having a lot of sleepless nights not knowing where your child may be. If she's alive or dead...being tortured..being hurt...Her story feels so close to home because I seriously feel like I know her. All these random crazy thoughts come to me at night...and continue to linger with me during the day. I just want to sleep...and wake up and feel like i'm the only one on her mind. Or wake up and every lump in my mother's body disappear. Or wake up and Phylicia Barnes has been found alive cuddling next to her mother in bed. The day ahead....hold great expectations.

...

Record Studio

Today I went to my friend's sister recording studio and it was amazing. She let me hear the beat she wants me to write the song for. It was amazing...like seeing her full fill her dreams. The thousand of dollars of equipment she bought on her own...it was inspiring. And as I sat on the high leather chair...I couldn't help but feel like Kanye West putting this masterpiece together. The room was filled with creative GAYS. I felt at home...as our rainbow minds evolved a simple beat into something beautiful. I definitely can see myself making money doing this in the future. :)

I'm Kinda Weird...

..... but i'm still super cool 

She is too...

...with the help of cool me

Theeeee End 

Confizzled Spotlight

Today I opened up my brain and let people that I never met in it. And they accepted my crazy, dysfunctional brain for what it was. They smiled and clapped for what came out of me...and accepted my dark words for what they were. They listened to something I never share...not for crowds...not for people...not just because I want too...not for any random person thats reading this. And I spoke and my voice BOOMED  and I saw their ears slowly face my sound and they smiled. I kept looking at the light ...give me words ... just print out a beautiful memoir and place it in my mind so I can read a sonnet...a renaissance... it was amazing.

My Iphone 4

So for the people that know me... knows that I switch phones more than I should be. From ever since 2008 where I broke away from my mother's phone plane and got on my own phone plan I've been switching phones constantly. Recently I transferred from T-mobile to At&t to be on a plan with my girlfriend. The first phone I got on the plan was the blackberry torch. I remember getting the blackberry pearl in 2008 and ever since then I was in love with blackberrys and owned every blackberry that came out since. So I was pretty excited on getting the new blackberry torch. My excitement fell short though :( I realized no matter what blackberry I owned they all did the same thing. So I had to move on from the blackberry torch to Iphone 4....and I'm in love. From the amazing FREE games I downloaded to the useful apps that I barely use...I love it. I haven't use facetime that much though but it's a pretty cool feature. Plus the fact that you can video chat on skype from anywhere...is aMAYYYY-zing! Anyhow I don't think i'll be switching phones for awhile though.

P.S. - My girlfriend bought me something so totally cool for my computer that i'll be blogging about in a few weeks.  :) Thank you baby.

Emergencia!...Emergencia!

So today was very interesting. It was my second time in the emergency room since I've been sick for the month. My mom called me and was very worried about me coughing so much and suggested (well force) me to go to the emergency room. I'm my mom's only baby so I'm use to her over reacting about my well being. So I walked one mile to the emergency room in the cold because i'm in the middle of bubble f#%k land. When I got there I was nervous. I don't know why but I was kind of scared. It seemed that all the people in front of me were calling their relatives to alert them that they had to stay overnight. I've never stayed over night at the hospital so that added to my already shaky nerves. Anyhow the visit was quick and short. The doctor did a test for strep throat but I was NEGATIVE for it so I was pretty happy. The "special doctors" advice was to gargle with salt and take advil. But all I left with was a really cool wrist band, and one HUGE bill. 

Not Anything Important

So I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed in her dorm room and I pull out my computer excited to write something on my blogspot. Then as I click on "new post" my mind goes blank. I don't know what to write about so I write this. I'm watching lifetime at the moment so I am unable to think of anything but this man killing his wife in this movie. You know how these crazy lifetime movies go. The psycho husband, the evil step daughter, the son that beats his mother...geez the crazy over the top things you see in these movies. Okay so it's getting to the good part......I hate missing the beginning of the movie...I am totally clueless to what is going on, but the obvious. I wish in life it worked this way. No beginning, just a middle and ending. So you are unable to judge anything from the pass and live life by what you see "in the now"I think we should all live life in the present. I guess missing the beginning of this lifetime movie kind off sorta' taught me something. lol Can you believe that? 

My Drunk Post

I'm lying i'm not drunk. I'm on my girlfriends campus in her room on my second cup of wine. I do not drink. Seriously, I hate liquor. The taste, the burn going down my throat...the smell. So i've downgraded to light wines and of course beer. I'm a light drinker so I still get buzzed. I remember my first hang over in my cousins bedroom. Teenagers bored thinking about our parents rum stashed in the unlocked cupboard in the kitchen. Took one drink and we all ran upstairs laughing, yucking at the disgusting taste it left in our throat. Laying on the bed talking about our partners at that time and gossiping about people we disliked. Realizing we were still able to focus....we ran down stairs to the unlocked cupboard drinking another glass of the disgusting black rum...and like the dummy I was, my cousin dared me to take down a extra glass....GULP. The cup was empty, we ran back upstairs to the spinning room. Unable to focus...we were all in our own world..having conversations with ourselves. The night went fast...I woke up in a sea of my own...inside fluids. I promised my self i would never drink again the next day. We all promised. We all lied.

Birthday

So this weekend was my 22nd birthday. I just have to say my birthday was on the 22nd of January, I turned 22 and today is also my 6 month anniversary to my amazing girlFRIEND Zaraya. I partied my birthday in and drinked my birthday out. I spent the day with Zaraya and I must say we had alot of fun. I hope next year would be special just the same. I hope turning 22 brings more different new experiences and more maturity. I loved being 21 so I hope 22 puts the icing on the cake. I've been sick for a week so i was also nursing a cold on my birthday. It didn't stop me from having fun weekend though. 

Breakfast

I always heard I looked like my mom
But when I look at her I don't see it
I always heard I wasn't "that" skinny
But when I look in the mirror it tells me differently
I hate drinking liquor
But I can guzzle a bottle of beer in seconds
I heard life is what you make it
And trust Ive I been making it harder than It needs be
Trust, honesty and love
I've said those three words in the same sentence about a 1000 times
....... I meant it
Who is fucking spinning the world ?
And this cough of mines is the death of me
I want to yell but I'm tall and I don't expect the short people to hear me
They say sound travels...
My voice seems to stay floating around me
Leave me
Let them hear you shout
I'm wrapped in a candy bar and I'm trying to break free
And the candy hungry child is constantly licking my exterior
Trying to get what's inside
Your don't want something that's bitter sweet
You don't want bitter me

2011

I would say, "New year, new me" but that would be a lie. Just because the '10 turned to '11 doesn't mean a light is going to shine down from heaven and totally transform me into someone else. That's why I've refrained from making new years resolutions because looking back at my past new years resolutions they've all been a fail. I feel like within myself change happens with a impact. Something has to strike me to open up that need for change. For example, maybe a problem in my relationship etc. I feel like this year has started on a high note...but the fat lady continues to sing high, then low, then high, then low. And everyone is walking out the concert of my life because my emotions is affecting the choir and the orchestra is stressing on the smaller things. I feel like I have everything resting right on my heart, and if one block is removed everything comes crashing down...everything that I took so long to build. I don't know what's going to change in my life in this new year...or what I even want to accomplish this year. But with days comes new experiences, and new insights of life. I am ready for 2011 to be over with truthfully. Cheers for the new year...2012 I mean.

Thursday morning....

Faces pass, faces pass, faces pass

places pass, places pass, places pass,

life go, life go

down, down underground

no service

darkness

the train rock my insides

and i'm staring up, up and away

im avoiding eye contact,

look at finger, look at feet , look at signs,

faces pass, faces pass, faces pass

looking, searching

morning time

memories of last night

where i was , what i did,

who to run too, I am lost

places pass, places pass, places pass

im caught up in my music

and the train conductor voice booms from the heavens

as he close the doors

move away from the doors

I can hear the rails beneath me

and the loud banging of metal

reminds me of slaves

singing in harmony

im at my stop

doors open

i get up and avoid eyes

I walk out

forgetting where I was

remembering where I am now.

HOME

Vent

I am not smart
I don't care about books and classes
Looking at white boards
And white old faces
Teaching me shit I don't need to know
I don't use fucking big words
And read books with...chapters
I rather picture books
Like magazines
Shit I'll read a coupon book
I don't talk about college things
N stress about expensive classes
In a big stupid campus
That feels so fucking empty
I'm not what I'm suppose to be
I'm a not a major or a damn minor
I'm fucking me
I don't talk about shit I barely could spell
Or talk about shot I could could give two fucks about
I'm dumb me
And all I know is what I need to know
So my conversations are limited
N my days are shorter
Ny bed is my classes
My tv is my professor
I'm not a fucking student
I'm Britney
Let's fucking talk about that
I'm a fucking entertainer
I get a grade A on my own test
Im tired
This semester is fucking over

Want that Old thing back...that old thing dead and gone

Sometimes insecurities comes from completely loving someone and just simply being afraid to lose them to someone else. Someone else from their past or future. I know life is short and I want her to live. I want her to breathe without my insecurities breathing down her neck....following her every move. But with security I want honesty. I want to have that "no need to worry" feeling. That i'm the fucking best feeling. Maybe my insecurities towards her are maybe insecurities within myself. I don't feel like i'm her type...compared to people she point out that's so hot to her...or looking back at people in her past. In the end I can only be the best me. The best me for her...for us...for this relationship...that we are slowly trying to push above ground so we can live above earth again.